Change Is Hard. Tuesday, 29 December 2020

Having come to the realization that in order to move forward in a more positive manner or risk wasting the time I have remaining on Mother Earth, I'm resolving to change.

For a myriad of  reasons, I seem to always expect the worst of any situation. Borrowing trouble from a non-existent future. They call it "stinking thinking" in AA, and I hold a Master' Degree in it.

The problem is this: changing a lifelong habit. 

It took me years to give up smoking (a 35 year habit). And, truly, that was Divine Intervention in response to a prayer. No, really. I prayed God would take away that desire and when I woke the next day the desire to smoke was gone. Although from time to time the craving hits my psyche with such urgency 

Not sure praying will work this time (I am not quite right with God at present.)

So... Am gonna try to replace all this negativity with some type of positive activity. Because I get bored easily, there's gonna be quite a few things to choose from for good habits to cultivate and perhaps incorporate into a routine.

Wish me luck!

When Five Years Seems Like Yesterday. Saturday, 26 December 2020

This is a hard time of year for me. For years I have had a condition known as SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder. This has been compounded by the death of my mother five years ago today. Add in the COVID-19 pandemic with its associated anxiety, necessary paranoia and social isolation... Well. You get the idea.

Change is difficult to accomplish. There are so many reminders of losses close to my heart. Lots of crying going on in this house right now. Five years apparently isn't long enough to stop this heart from mourning. 

I miss you, Mom. Every day.

I try to count my blessings because I know many people are going without while I have so much. I have a roof over my head, food in the cupboards and just enough to pay the bills with a little bit of folding money to save for a rainy day. Plus all these furry, loving animals to keep me entertained and from being too lonely.

Happy Birthday To Me!

Sunday. A typical day of rest... Or not, as the case may be. This time period is something I want to remember.

Have been a bit ill for a few weeks. Sick enough to phone the doctor for a prescription (which did not resolve the issue after a week of use). Which prompted an actual physical visit to the doctor's office in the middle of this pandemic. Good move on my part, because this could have gotten out of hand without antibiotics and steroids. Bad for sleep because my already lacking sleep schedule is interrupted to take medication (300mg of Clindamycin every 6 hours). 

Speaking of the COVID-19 pandemic: Son-in-law and lover have been exposed to a person with a confirmed diagnosis. Lover has been quarantined for 14 days by the CDC and will probably be required to get tested. Unclear on what will happen with son-in-law. 

Lots of anxiety (and some panic attacks) all around. More and more cases being diagnosed and admitted to hospitals whose capacity in many cases has reached 85%. Soon they will be unable to accept any patients. Health care workers are stretched to the point of breaking.

Because of political reasons (think tRump), Health Officials, essential workers and folks experienced with the loss caused by this horrible virus are being ignored by much of the population even after begging folks to follow safety measures (i.e., wearing masks, using sanitizer, maintaining a 6-foot social distance, limiting exposure by refraining from unnecessary travel and limiting both indoor and outdoor gathering sizes). 

Rather than coming together to find a common solution, lots of folks are bickering about shit that doesn't matter (the election results).